Wrote about how Big Cars are the devil and such

It's time

You know you've got a good idea on your hands when I, a person hopelessly addicted to computer, reacted to this by trying to figure out if it's feasible to stop using my computer.

If I start planning more than two or three weeks in advance I throw up my arms and yell 'well it's basically already christmas'

Simple job, just retrieving & burning the little hearts. Kinda sucks to do (hearts scream when burned) but Pope told us that like 400 build-a-bear hearts equal a guy so we've been saving up in hopes he'll let us bundle them all up into one bear that we can baptize.

If you put a little heart in a build-a-bear, it has a soul in the eyes of the catholic church. None of you are baptizing or confirming yours so me and my guys gotta send 'em to purgatory whenever we find one at a garage sale.

imagine talking shit about me and im just in my room like

Cicada summers are always a good time because on week one everyone's freaked out by all the shells and then about a week later the 'I would like to eat one' perverts come out of the woodwork

I do believe that continued use of AI chat bots is diminishing to the spirit

Someone liquidating a bunch of their own assets to make a movie is cool. Don't even care if the movie's good, betting on yourself with massive potential downside means at least you saw something!!

Two Boeing whistleblowers have mysteriously died and both times the investigators were like 'it looks like he was so ashamed at betraying his employer...that he died of a broken heart 🥺'

A lot of people asked for this one!

Two beers, you want ‘em hot or cold?

I do not regret having my teeth rotated outward so that I could take what I refer to as 'Donkey Bites' from apples and such

To pull your beloved dog back from the aether to dance for your amusement not once, but twice more? Incomprehensible sin. Your afterlife will be two dudes kicking you.