Date: Hey I noticed in your Hinge pictures that you cast a shadow, but I’m not seeing one👇😬

Me: oh sorry those pics are like 4 years old haha

Date: lol

Me: Ever seen a guy with two shadows?

Date: did someone steal yours😳

Me: Nah would just be crazy. guy with two shadows…

Nest-building training🌿🌿🌿
寝床をつくる練習中だよ。

I'm doing a 'Comeback Stand-up Special After Being Cancelled', despite never being accused of anything or being a known comedian. 'Off The Leash' starts with me saying 'I'mmm Baacckk...' and the crowd going wild, they all think they remember me.

*voicemail beep* Hey dad, it’s Billy, your son from the upstairs bedroom. Just wanted to say it was great chatting homework with you yesterday. We should link up and play catch sometime. Front yard?

Next message. *beep*

Hey, Billy again. Circling back on your catch availability

The Sneaky Devil Cheats Again

Mellon Valley High’s classless runningback rushes for 100 yards in questionable win for controversial title

Boss: You’re muted, Tad! Ok who’s not on camera :)

Me: Sorry

Tad: 😳

Me: *using filter that looks like I’m gazing at you via the rearview mirror of a Tesla* Still muted

Tad: 😳you in a mustang?

Me: yeah😌 *my nod makes the filter disappear, revealing me swaddled in blankets*

Eclipse? Like the Twilight movie? And if you look at it, you go blind?? (Trying out some new slang i saw on a forum) Yeah, I been knew!

YOU: [stabs one of my organs]

ME: Vestigial. Didn't need it

YOU: [stabs another organ]

ME: Redundant. I have four of those.

YOU:[visibly frustrated, stabbing another organ]

ME: [one side of my face suddenly drooping] I'm fime. Westidial. Didm't use it

he has his father’s eyes ❤️

Ray Liotta voiceover:

baby bully: omfg everyone look at that prenatal dude (all the babies in the nursery laugh)

me: (telepathically to my mom from insode her belly) get me tf out of here right now

Friend: nice place

Me: Love it! Just a tad short on cupboard space. Get you anything?

Friend: snack maybe

Me: No prob *grabbing crowbar and prying up a floorboard* dang this one was for paper towels. Can you get me a sharpie

Friend: *smelling floor near TV* takis under here😳

Me: anyway here’s my business card

Guy: Thanks, I’ll call… is this a newborn in a suit?

Me: it’s me in a suit

Guy: As an infant.

Me:😑dad got em day I was born- said there was a Walgreens sale

Guy: It’s just, there’s no contact info

Me: why you wanna contact me as a baby🤨

Boss:🤳🏻Ready to present?

Me: about that…

Me: remember my high ponytail from this morning

Boss: Of course 🙂

Boss: Oh no it gave you a headache didn’t it

Me: mhm. i’m home now

Boss: Let your hair down, I’ll see if Ted can present

Me: ted got a migraine

Me: super tight bun