If you're 30 and still unmarried in this generation, you have successfully evaded your first divorce, statistically.

If a person doing sign language is missing a finger, is that considered a lisp?

this is only if you listen to bad music btw if you listen to good music your eardrums get healthier

Me on the front lawn while the wife having nuclear weapons talks with NATO

Went to lunch 40 minutes late trying to counsel a patient on eating habits just for me to pull up to Popeyes for lunch and see my patient………………….

All I wanna know is how she been wiping

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Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds Me: I was refilling my vape Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

People who complain a lot tend to think people who don’t, are well off. I just think if I’m having a hard time and it has nothing to do with you, nor can you help, and you aren’t a confidant, there is absolutely no reason for me to disturb your peace for sympathy.

“you are so quiet” thanks I'm not comfortable around you

Village hidden in the closet 😭😭😭😭

There will be signs.

Beating your child who has a 85% average cuz they didn't come first in their class seems wild to me given that only one person can come 1st. But what do I know, I'm childless

“Can you turn the fan off?”

This is what I expect when i hear about $100 haircuts

Feel like every day we hearing about somebody else getting injured smh